What the hell are we doing, really?
In our modernized world, many treat social rituals— Like “how are you?” or ” ¿Cómo estás? ” — as superficial politeness, which can hinder genuine connection. Reflecting on these habits helps us reconsider their role in authentic relationships.
As a humanistic consultant and NVC enthusiast (the nonviolent communication system of living authentically), I observe this daily: an “internalized culture” of being “nice” that acts as a mask, hiding what is truly alive in us. Recognizing this helps us move beyond cultural training and embrace NVC’s radical honesty for real connection.
What may all come down to is: what do we want? Really want?
To believe that others will respect us more if we are faking to be as tender as soft teddy bears, or do we want to believe that real, authentic presence is what really makes the difference in our everyday lives, and especially in the corporate environment?
1. Your Anger is a Gift (If and When You Stop Suppressing It)
Society teaches us that anger is “bad” or something to be managed. In reality, anger is a vital “alarm” or “warning light on a dashboard,” providing essential information about what your life’s “engine” needs.
Disconnecting or ignoring the red error light doesn’t fix the car; it only postpones the inevitable: the engine will eventually fail. Repressing anger is a psychologically dangerous strategy, in my opinion and experience. To use a rather powerful analogy, consider how often neighbors describe serial killers as “such a nice person” who “never raised his voice.” This is the result of “life-alienated” thinking, where needs are so suppressed that they eventually erupt in violence.
NVC, as far as I can see, is not about “calming down” and “being nonviolent”—it is about using the energy of anger to mobilize for need-fulfillment. In the words of Marshall Rosenberg, “killing people is too superficial.” It is a weak expression of power. True power lies in identifying the root need and addressing it directly.
“Anger serves a specific, life-enriching purpose. It’s an alarm signaling that you’re disconnected from what you value and that your needs are not being met,” encouraging us to see anger as a helpful guide rather than a problem to suppress.
(Rosenberg, 2005).
More on the subject of anger in the article Anger isn’t the enemy, here >>
Being nice, kind, polite, and always joyful is the fastest way to burnout in everyday life. More about that kind of “kindness” on the spiritual path in the article on Idiot compassion, here >>
2. The “Nice” Person vs. The Authentic Person
There is a profound distinction between mechanical politeness and the “naked honesty” of authentic NVC. Most people operate under “vicious concepts of duty and obligation,” leading to deep-seated resentment.
Authentic connection, however, is a manifestation of love—something we do rather than just feel. Rosenberg used to say, following Joseph Campbell’s wisdom, “I tell my clients: ‘Don’t do anything that isn’t play.” What we do should be a willing contribution to life, not a response to fear of punishment or hope for reward.
Authenticity means revealing our vulnerability without using it as a weapon to blame or punish others. It is the “precious gift” of presence—revealing what is alive in us at this very moment with no other purpose than to say, “Here I am, and here is what I would like.”
Furthermore, an authentic person recognized the profound depth of this simple statement: “Don’t just do something, be there.”
3. We Are Never Angry for the Reason We Think
A critical pillar of NVC is the distinction between a “Trigger” (the stimulus) on the outside and the “Cause” within. While someone else’s actions may spark our anger, our own inner dynamics are the cause. Rosenberg illustrates this with the “elbow to the nose” story:
One day, he was hit and felt furious because he judged the child as a “spoiled brat.” The next day, he caught another elbow, but because he saw the child as a “pathetic creature” in need of support, he felt pain but zero anger. The trigger was identical; the cause (the internal image powered by deep need) was different.
*To move from life-alienated thinking to connection, we might want to understand the Four Options for receiving a message :
- Taking it personally: Accepting a “right/wrong” judgment and feeling hurt or rejected.
- Judging the other person as “wrong”: The root of all anger and the core of life-alienated thinking.
- Focusing on your own needs: Identifying the values and requirements currently missing for you.
- Focusing on the other person’s needs: Connecting empathically with the “Divine Energy” driving their behavior.
4. Stop Apologizing and Start Mourning
In a radical departure from conventional clinical or mental psychology, NVC views apologies as potentially “violent” acts. Apologies are rooted in moralistic judgments—the static idea that you were “wrong” and deserve to suffer or feel shame. The NVC alternative is “Mourning.”
As the anthropologist Ernest Becker noted, “depression results from cognitively arrested alternatives”—a state where moralistic judgments like “I’m a failure” block our ability to see a path to meeting our needs. While apology is static and shaming, mourning is active and mobile. It involves identifying unmet needs and feeling the “deep sadness” that naturally arises when our actions don’t align with our inner needs or values.
As odd as it might seem to a mental ego, this sadness is life-serving; it mobilizes us to change without the self-hatred that prevents growth.
“Apology is a very violent act. It is violent to the person receiving it and violent to the person giving it… Nobody will ever apologize or want an apology if they have experienced sincere mourning instead.”
(Rosenberg, 2005).
5. Don’t Carry the Raft on Your Back
While the NVC process can be very powerful, there is a trap in becoming dependent or even addicted to the mechanics themselves. In a modified Buddhist parable, Rosenberg describes a “sacred place” separated from us by a river. We use a raft (the mechanics of NVC) to get across. But once we are on the other side, it is foolish to carry the raft on your back for the rest of the journey.
NVC is a tool to overcome cultural training, not the destination. If the process becomes “touchy-feely” or mechanical, it fails. We see this when people use “cheat sheets” (like Sam Williams, who used a 3×5 card at work) to remember the steps. Eventually, the mechanics must fall away to reveal the deep “spiritual basis”: a deep desire to contribute to well-being and connect with “Beloved Divine Energy.”
(more on the Beloved Divine Energy, as Rosenberg put it, in the article Spiritual basis of NVC, here >>)
6. Seeing Ahead: Beyond Right and Wrong
Authentic power is the shift from “meekness”, “timidness,” and “role-playing a polite person” to a consciousness that asks, “What are you needing, and what am I needing?” By transforming judgments into needs, we reach that place described by the poet Rumi: a field beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing.
“Choosing connection over being ‘right’ requires courage and patience. I am reminded of a story from the battle of Lebanon, where a young man was killed wearing a T-shirt that said, “Take Your Time.” His commanding officer later admitted the tragedy happened because they “didn’t take their time.”
To ponder upon: Are you willing to be “silly” enough to take your time, pull out your “cheat sheet,” and choose a deep, real connection over the virtual safety of being “polite”, “kind,” and “right”?
– Edmond Cigale, PhD
book online NVC consulting and coaching today >>
References
- Rosenberg, M. B. (2005). Being Me, Loving You: A Practical Guide to Extraordinary Relationships . PuddleDancer Press.
- Rosenberg, M. B. (2005). Practical Spirituality: Reflections on the Spiritual Basis of Nonviolent Communication . PuddleDancer Press.
- Rosenberg, M. B. (2005). The Surprising Purpose of Anger: Beyond Anger Management: Finding the Gift . PuddleDancer Press.
- Rosenberg, M. B. (2005). Getting Past the Pain Between Us: Healing and Reconciliation Without Compromise . PuddleDancer Press.
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