NVC basics: Five Counterintuitive Notions About Communication That Might Surprise You

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We’ve all been there: the frustrating argument that goes in circles, the feeling of being completely unheard, the sense that our words, meant to bring us closer, are instead building walls.

In these moments, it’s easy to blame the other person for being difficult or to blame ourselves for not being clear enough. We get trapped in a cycle of hurt, defensiveness, and disconnection.

But what if these breakdowns aren’t about who’s right or wrong? In my work as a humanistic consultant and student of NVC, the Art of Living Authentically, I’ve observed that most of us have been taught to communicate in ways that almost guarantee conflict because they are rooted in a world of moralistic judgment and mental projection.

This article explores five surprising notions that can contribute to radically shifting your perspective, moving your focus from blame to connection and transforming your relationships with others—and yourself.

1. You Are Never Angry Because of What Other People Do

This might be the hardest notion to accept, but it’s also the most empowering. We are taught to believe our feelings are caused by others: “You made me angry when you did that.” But the actions of other people are merely the stimulus for our feelings, not the direct cause.

When we receive a difficult message, we have four options for how to respond. We can:
(1) blame ourselves,
(2) blame others,
(3) sense our own feelings and needs, or
(4) sense the other person’s feelings and needs.

Anger is the feeling we generate when we unconsciously choose the first or second option: we blame the ourselves or other person.

The true cause of our anger lies not in their actions, but in our own disconnect from our inner needs, where the judgmental thinking originates—the thoughts of blame and criticism we direct toward them (due to the lack of awareness of our needs in the heart).

What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings or an outside influence at best, but not the cause.

Understanding this might save you a lot of life energy. It’s a profound shift from feeling like an emotional puppet whose strings are pulled by others to recognizing your own role in creating your feelings. This sense of personal responsibility might be liberating.

When you realize your anger comes from within, you gain the power to look inward, identify the unmet need beneath your judgment, and address the true source of your emotional life, moving from a world of blame to a world of needs.

2. Every Criticism Is a Tragic Expression of an Unmet Need

When we hear judgments or criticisms, our first instinct is to defend ourselves. But what if we could hear something else entirely? At its core, Nonviolent Communication teaches that all judgments of others are “alienated expressions of our own unmet needs.”

They are alienated because they are indirect, tragic attempts to communicate pain that are almost guaranteed to provoke defensiveness rather than compassion, thus obscuring the very need they are meant to express.

Consider this: if a partner wants more affection than we are giving, we might label them “needy and dependent.” If we want more affection than our partner is giving, we might label them “aloof and insensitive.”
In both scenarios, the labels are tragic, indirect attempts to express a fundamental, unmet need for, say,  intimacy. The criticism is not an attack; it is a clumsy, ineffective appeal born of pain.

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
— Rumi

This insight is profoundly impactful because it allows us to listen past harsh words and hear the vulnerable human need behind them. When we stop hearing a judgment and start hearing a call for connection, safety, or understanding, it defuses our defensiveness and opens the door for compassion.
Conflict transforms from a battleground of right-and-wrong into an opportunity for connection.

3. Trying to “Fix It” Is the Opposite of Empathy

When someone we care about is in pain, our impulse is often to “fix it.” We offer advice, give reassurance, or explain why they shouldn’t feel the way they do. We think this is empathy, but in reality, it is the opposite. Intellectual understanding blocks empathy. Analyzing someone’s problem or relating it to our own experiences, while well-intentioned, prevents the pure presence required for a true connection.

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of Nonviolent Communication (see his photo above), learned this lesson from his own daughter. One day she looked in the mirror and said, “I’m as ugly as a pig.” His immediate response was to fix her feeling: “You’re the most gorgeous creature God ever put on the face of this earth.” Her reaction? She slammed the door in his face. She wasn’t looking for reassurance; she was looking for someone to understand her pain, frustration.

Don’t just do or say something, really be there, fully aware and present.

True empathy isn’t about fixing, advising, or even relating. It is about presence. It requires emptying our minds of judgments and solutions and simply listening with our whole being to what the other person is experiencing.

This shift from analysis to presence is where connection happens. The most powerful gift we can give someone in pain is to be fully present with them, allowing them to feel seen, heard, and understood without any pressure to feel differently.

4. The Most Violent Word You Use Daily Is “Should” or “Must”

It’s surprising to learn that one of the most common words in our vocabulary is also a form of violence, especially when directed at ourselves. That word is “should” or “must”. It is a judgment directed inward.

When we tell ourselves, “I should have known better,” or “I shouldn’t have done that,” or “I must do this,” we are engaging in self-judgment that implies we had no choice. This thinking may contribute to guilt and shame, which resist learning. Human beings have a deep-seated need for autonomy, and we tend to resist any kind of demand—even an internal one. The voice of “should” is an internal tyrant that blocks compassion for ourselves. The same goes for the voice of “must”.

The compassionate alternative to “shoulding” and “musting” ourselves is a two-step process of NVC mourning and self-forgiveness:

• First, instead of judging our past actions, we mourn by connecting with the feelings and unmet needs related to the outcome (“I feel sad because my need for consideration wasn’t met by that action.”).
• Second, we practice self-forgiveness by connecting with the need we were trying to meet when we took the action in the first place.

This process can be profoundly liberating, as it replaces self-hatred with a motivation to learn and grow from a place of self-compassion in the heart deep within.

5. Punishment Fails for a Reason You’ve Never Considered

Our society operates on the assumption that punishment “works.” We believe that if people are punished for undesirable behavior, they will change. To see the profound limitation of this approach, we must ask ourselves two critical questions:

1. What do I want this person to do that’s different from what he or she is currently doing?
2. What do I want this person’s reasons to be for doing what I’m asking?

While punishment might sometimes achieve the goal of the first question—a temporary change in behavior—it catastrophically fails at the second. The reasons it evokes are fear, guilt, or shame.

In contrast, the goal of Nonviolent Communication is to inspire change that comes from a genuine, joyful desire to contribute to the well-being of oneself and others—an inner motivation that punishment makes impossible.

This distinction is crucial. Actions motivated by fear or guilt diminish goodwill and self-esteem, they disconnect us from our humanity and employ power-over strategies (acting from parts and roles we like to play). They are rooted in an external or internal judgment of “wrongness.”

We want people to change not to avoid being punished, but because they are connected to the needs of others and see the intrinsic value in the change. True, lasting change comes from within, from a place of understanding and a desire to contribute, not from coercion.

Conclusion: From Judgment to Connection

Each of these five notions points to a single, transformative shift: moving from a world of moralistic judgments (who is right, wrong, good, or bad) to a world of universal human feelings and needs. When we stop analyzing and blaming, and start listening for the life that is alive in ourselves and others, we discover a depth of compassion that can heal even the most difficult relationships.

This isn’t about finding a perfect technique of articulating our thoughts; it’s about fundamentally changing how we see ourselves and the world.

I leave you with a question to carry into your next difficult conversation:

What might change if you chose to listen only for the unmet need behind the words, instead of the criticism or lables you expect to hear?

– Edmond Cigale, PhD
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Further reading, books penned by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg: